Good Mom/Bad Mom: the multitudes of motherhood

For the longest time, it has been the idea that when a female artist became a mother, that would simultaneously make her less of an artist. Leaving the perspective of mothers, who could actually speak from experience, remained next to invisible in art. Until now, in the Central Museum in Utrecht, there's an exhibition on motherhood and art or motherhood in art.

I was intrigued right away, curious and into exploring how to work creatively as well as tuning into my motherly responsibilities. I must confess I expected a mild exhibition, something entertaining and easy to swallow, like most museum visits are. You learn something new, see something impressive and leave the room just as you found it. Let me tell you, this was something else. Barely five minutes in, I felt tears welling up behind my eyes. I sought out my friend who was there with me and has recently lost her child, thinking this must hit her hard too. When I found her, I learned that it did. She sped through the experience because it struck her so, she needed a breather as did I.

People love to say that art is meant to be felt rather than being explained, yet most of the time I like to read those little cards to know more about the artist's interpretation and if it correlates to mine. This time there was no need. I cried after seeing five paintings and felt how the weight of motherhood was turned into an experience. I felt seen, but more importantly, I felt I could see myself in the role as mother, not only from where I want to improve or what I am proud of. I saw my personal motherhood reflected from all perspectives, as if you're looking at a prism, not considering one color to be better or more important than the other, but understanding they exist simultaneously, all at once, equally present and true.

The inescapable identity

For one, I felt how motherhood is not something that starts after you birth a child. The role of mother is a role you are literally born with, I don’t mean how you are literally born with the eggs that will become your future children, but in our cultural disposition. Your entire life prepares you for the mother role, whether you fulfill it or not. The pressure you put on yourself, the promises you make to your children, even before conception. Often while you're still a child yourself and playing with baby dolls, nursing them and comforting them like you imagine a mommy would do. There you are at 3 years old walking around with a toy stroller receiving positive and affirming glances from your parents: "Ooh, what a good mom you are, little princess."

And while playing you're a princess or cashier is only temporary, the role of mother is the one most of us will eventually take on, unaware of all the pressure of the ideal image and expectations we carry with us, that we formed from early childhood to present, and expect to live up to when reality takes over the fantasy.

Unrealistic and otherworldly

Fastforward, when you do become a mother, you will never suffice. No matter how you twist or turn it, you can never get it right. Not in your own eyes, nor in those of your children, or society. It's bizarre how the exhibition immediately made me aware that I am wayyyy too critical on my parenting skills and hard on myself. As if suddenly you're seen, but can also see yourself and the societal construct around you and the impossible high standards. You experience the weight and magnitude of the role imposed on you (by yourself and others) from the moment you're born as a girl.

It was as if someone had finally put into a walk-through experience what I had felt for all those years but could never articulate or understand. To then realize these artists are creating from their own experiences makes it hard to keep a dry eye. I couldn’t grasp how something so universal and collectively felt, banal, and old as time could be so invisible and underrepresented for the women who live the experience daily?

How can a role or identity be both so definitive from birth yet to complex to be felt in daily life? That reminded me of the first thoughts I had after giving birth to my son. ‘You truly have NO idea what you’re getting yourself into until it happens. Motherhood is simultaneously the most mundane thing we do and the most inexplicable.’

The body of mother: public and bestial

A piece about illegal abortion had a surprising effect. In the work, I saw how public the female body is perceived and how we lose a bit of our sovereignty, during and after birth. How we suddenly become bestial in society's eyes when we reproduce. Our movements, the sounds we make, the way we make contact with our babies (licking, smelling, growling all is natural). I myself find it mesmerizing, yet the way others feel entitled to touch, examine, judge our bodies often without permission, because of the function of our biological body. While men in the same space remained (mostly) untouched in their sovereignty and autonomy. We know this, but to truly feel it, is brutal.

When the task of nurturing and parenting begins you still feel this loss of autonomy and remain an object in the public eye. No matter how you twist or turn it, you can never fully do it right. Not in your own eyes, not in your children's eyes, not in society's eyes. And you will most definitely be judged. Too dedicated, not dedicated enough. Too protective, not protective enough. The contradiction of what is expected of mothers is endless and in all honesty ridiculous. By becoming aware of this reality I did feel lighter about the whole experience. So in the end the whole Good Mom/Bad Mom was like taking a chill pill and realizing to let more things slide (The kids are alright) and praise myself and other moms more often.

Get on your way now

This whole article was purely my experience, who knows how you will feel about it? My advice is to go and find out for yourself, it is worth the trip. Whether you are a mother or not, don't want to become one, or wish to be one, I recommend you visit. If only to acknowledge that there is much more to gain for women and mothers in the public space. "Good Mom/Bad Mom" is about more than mothers in art: it encapsulates the female experience that we collectively share and the experience we need to understand more, make space for, discuss, and give a stage.

Next Tuesday, the 13th of May, there is a mini symposium Mothering Myths alongside the art for anyone who likes to dive in deeper. If you're not able to visit the museum, watch this online talk on Good Mom/Bad Mom.

P.S. Let me know if and when you visited and share your experience!

Love always,

Daphny