I love my friends, but I might be a very bad one

Sometimes it seems there are different versions of me, depending on who I am with. This personality shapeshifting is too complex to explain in full, but it shows when I’m meeting someone new. I’m either quiet, hard-to-pin-down, slightly unapproachable, or I talk your ears off, tell stories like I’m on a wild goose chase, blurt out the weirdest things, so basically super fun. If it’s the latter we probably end up as friends for life, although it may not look it, because you will probably never see me again.

I love my friends deeply, but I believe I'm a bad friend, at least in the traditional sense of what is expected from friendships. Like checking in with someone, regularly meeting up and simply initiating contact or answering texts. I simply cannot! I do try, but I fail to, and if i’m to believe the court of social memes: I am a red flag or an inconsiderate asshole.

My friends however would disagree, I can say this with confidence, because we make a habit of telling how we feel (good and the bad). I make sure to tell my favorite people how much they mean to me, in a random text message, zero context and send on an impulse.

Sometimes I get this appreciation back, in a handwritten letter with a (self) handmade quilt, on the back of a postcard or face to face while sipping coffee or also in a text.

What my friends 'get' from a friendship with me (what I hear most) is that they feel seen, feel safe around me and never judged in what they like, do or want. This means a lot to me because it's what I needed most in childhood: being seen, safety and acceptance. You really do become the adult you needed around as a kid.

So am I an introvert, socially selective or do I simply forget people exist?

But back to the story to how I fall short as a companion. Initiating or scheduling dates or even calling/ sendig texts to keep in touch or plan dates or whatever. I just forget it’s an option, like I forget to eat, or get my washing out of the machine, or to make that doctors appointment. Only when I suddenly feel an urge to be social, I send a few of my closest a random text, but that is as good as it gets. Than recently I saw a video…

DISCLAIMER: This is not to excuse my ghostly behavior that, may or may not, stem from some avoidant attachment issues. I promise to keep practicing to be more considerate, buttt I saw this video and it made a whole lot of sense.

This video explains so well how I behave in friendships. On paper I have no social life, but as far as I’m concerned, I swear me and my friend met just last week, when it was actually a years ago. For me emotionally the depth of the friendship stays the same. We just pick up where we left things last time, as if not a day has gone by.

I know most people feel the connection is lost over time, and have a different set of needs to stay close to someone, and that’s what I would love to discuss. Because sometimes I wonder, is my way of being a friend to someone fair? Or maybe, you are exactly like me… than I would love to bond over this quirk we have at the upcoming Dialogue at the Table on Friendships. And of course much more will be discussed from fondest memories and the most unexpected friends you made.

Interested to join? Feel free to sign up or send a message.

Love always,